Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a hot homeless man
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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