Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
