i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Randomize
