and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
