We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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