I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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