if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
