At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
