and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
