his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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