You're earring is so big in my mouth
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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