what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You made out with two different species that night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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