He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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