why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
