This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
