when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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