i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
