I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
