I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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