i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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