Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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