Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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