either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
