the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
