life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
