I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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