im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish you could order shots online.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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