what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
