How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
