So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
