you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
