This is not my ceiling
too bad you live with your parents still
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
