My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize