Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
