You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
