I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
