I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
