You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
