The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
