Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
