You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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