I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
