I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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