Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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