I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
