I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We got so high we made milksteak
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize