i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
