Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
