I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
