i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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