apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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