Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Do vagina's smell?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
