Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
