i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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