if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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